I'm going to make it. I have to make it. It hurts, and I fall asleep crying. How can I not think of it over and over again when She is making sure to remind me how dumb I am ever day, with every occasion.. But I must not put that on my heart. I must concentrate on my good optimistic side again. If I do not believe in myself, then who will?
Enough for my tears. I do not deserve to be treated as a terrible dog as She called me in front of my family. Keep my head up, walk straight like nothing ever happened, try not to do things that piss Her off when She is at home.
God, how I want to work, and not as a freaking baby sitter, not as a house maid, not as a nerd with no fun life. Not that work would be more fun but at least it does not hurt my feelings and I will be away from Her eyes, away from Her endless insults, away from being criticized, being told that everything I do is a bullshit, a waste of time, completely stupid, that I am stupid and I do stupid things, talk with stupid people about stupid things and so on. Woah, She is sure to mention all my flaws, She makes sure to check on me all the time to see what other bullshit I am doing to remind me that it is stupid, stupid and stupid.
She is so sick of it. So sick of me. She grew tired of following me to make sure that I know that everything I do is wrong, that all the good stuff that I did [She says it the negative way - the things you did not do *just trying to be a bit optimistic*] are not enough, that I do not give a shit about anything, that I do not care about my brother.
Caring about my brother? This actually means I am not playing with him and I am not telling him the good way when he does anything wrong. Yes, I am a bit too strict but hey, if I do not do it, then who will? Spend just a week with his parents [without me], especially with dad and he will be the most spoiled kid in the world. Also.. I check on him to make sure he has eaten enough and that he has everything he needs. If he got off too fast from the potty and got wet it is not my fault. And even if I had been in the same room I couldn't have stopped it from happening. That does not mean I neglected him. Nonetheless I am blamed for anything that he'd done.
Enough I helped Her to take care of my brother, that is my responsibility as elder sister but I really do not want to turn into a baby sitter. I really dislike it. I always did and She knows that I do not have a passion for playing with little kids.